Netflix Caught With Pants Down: Buffering Crashes and Tyson’s Surprise Steal the Show
By Ben Johnson | Nov 16, 2024, 6:30 PM
Mike Tyson, Nakisa Bidarian and Jake Paul pose onstage during the Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson Boxing match Arlington press conference at Texas Live! on May 16, 2024, in Arlington, Texas. Photo: Cooper Neill/Getty Images for Netflix (Getty Images)
Netflix hyped the Tyson-Paul fight as must-see TV, but what viewers got was a buffering trainwreck. Screens froze, apps crashed, and excitement gave way to collective rage. The cherry on top? Tyson’s bare ass making a surprise debut while Netflix scrambled to piece together their streaming fiasco.
The epic showdown between Mike Tyson, an old-school maniacal killer, and Jake Paul, an attention-addicted social-media influencer, was supposed to be Netflix's moment to flex its live-streaming muscles, proving they could hang with the sports broadcasting titans. Over 60 million people tuned in globally, most of them hoping to aggressively masturbate to the look on Jake Paul's face as he died on national television, and Netflix's comedy of errors just left everyone awkwardly holding their dicks.
Jake Paul walked out of the ring alive, Mike Tyson's moldy peach stared us all down through the back of his jock strap, and the most unlucky of us had it all frozen on our tragically high-definition screens as Netflix frantically scooped some IT guy's cottage cheese out of their servers.
While Netflix stumbled around like a nerd with a bad stutter, frustrated boxing fans (and other self-loathing individuals) flooded social media. The tweets poured in heavier than your sister's period, turning what should have been a wet dream for Netflix into a viral nightmare.
The Netflix apology tour kicked off before the fight itself did, with Kate Scott awkwardly and ironically informing legendary boxer Evander Holyfield that his ears were under attack (again). Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, was introduced to a small company called Netflix that we're all very excited about, only for his microphone to go out mid-broadcast, preventing us from hearing his trademark death-rattle. Netflix acknowledged and apologized for the disruption, but also engaged in a hilariously condescending gaslighting campaign that ensured we all knew how to connect our devices to the internet.
Netflix obviously isn't going anywhere, because the one thing about watching a donkey (Netflix) fuck a duck (all of us) is that no matter how hard you try you just can't look away. So our eyes are glued, Netflix is laughing all the way to the bank, and Jake Paul still isn't dead. With major NFL events coming to Netflix on Christmas Day, one has to wonder if the streaming giant is going to finish us off next time or leave us all chained up and biting their ball-gag with blue balls again.
Oh, and for all of you who missed the fight: